Humour, and funny stuff

Irish Government Pipe Specifications 1. All pipe must be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The inside diameter of all pipe must not exceed the outside diameter otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam and other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust : this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500ft (153 metres) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (52mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. Here's one you can have a bit of fun with. It dates from the days of Britains entry to EC. It is an excerpt from a humorous compendium of motoring terms in Anglified German. They take a bit of reading, slowly pronouncing them as you go. :-) Indicators: Die blinkenlightenmittokenfurturnen. Bonnet: Der Fingerpincer und kopfchopper. Exhaust: Das Spitsenpoppenbangentuben Speedometer: Der Egobooster und lineshootenbackruppen. Clutch: Das Kupplinverk mit schlippen und schtiken. Air horns: Das vatderhellvosdat klaxonfanfaren. Puncture: Das phlat mit dammunblasten. Learner-driver: Der Dumpkoptf mit Elplatz. Station Wagon: Der schnogenvagin mit bagzeroom furrompinderbacken. Mini: Der Buzzenboxin mit traffikverringfitshakeen und fingerrazen. Petrol: Das koslijooze fur geddinzegreezoffenddertrousen Motor club: Der meettinghause fur wagen-natteringcluborisenn und chatterinupziebirsds. Judge: Der khortfuhrer mit schauten "zweihunnermarks und lizenenzendorzen." Parking Meter: Daz tannerpinscher klockenworks. Wiper: Das flippenfloppen-muckschpreredundsticken. Crossroads: Das Kussundschveeringstrassen. Roundabout: Das eeoohezitatzisschlost. T Junction: Das vergutnessakedontgostraitonnethorner. Power Brakes: Die schtoppinverks mit edbangerendervindskreen. Rail Crossing: Die flattennittderpuffpufftraken. Low Bridge: Das makengrossenbus in singledekker. Rear Engine: Die frauwasserinderpetroltankenputten. Front Engine: Die fraupetrolindiewassertankenputten. Gear Stick: Das kangaroopanpickenschticke. --(Thanks to Aimee for typing this one in. Did you use a spellchecker :)-- Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively. Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters. Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse. Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial. What do you think: Mystery or a statistical coincidence? -[Thanks to Zosimos for typing this up]-

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   Brian: "You are all individuals."
   Crowd: (loudly) "Yes! We are all individuals!"
   Man:   "I'm not."
                     - Life of Brian
                           Monty Python.
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"DOS addresses only 1 Megabyte of RAM because we cannot imagine any applications needing more." - Microsoft, 1980, on the development of DOS

"Windows NT addresses 2 Gigabytes of RAM which is more than any application will ever need" - Microsoft, 1992, on the development of Windows NT

"Sysload on the PPro200 at that point was 38% Linux, 29% FreeBSD, and (gasp) 14% NT4." - Tom Pepper of Nullsoft, describing the performance of SHOUTcast at 1,467 clients

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981